We didn’t get to attend U.S. Sen. John Ensign’s mea culpa news conference this afternoon, but we did get a transcript of his prepared remarks. And we noticed a few interesting things therein. Let’s take a look, and, as ever, our comments are in italics.

“I came home to Nevada to come forward and explain to the citizens of our state something that I was involved in about a year ago. Last year I had an affair. I violated the vows of my marriage. It is the worst thing I have ever done in my life. If there was ever anything in my life that I could take back, this would be it.”

OK, first, why now, if the affair happened a year ago? A sudden attack of conscience? A pesky newspaper reporter found out about the story? Or was it the alleged blackmail attempt, in which the husband of Ensign’s lover attempted to extort a large sum of money from him? We WILL be seeing charges filed in that case, right? Because we’re pretty sure attempting to blackmail a United States senator is a pretty serious crime.

Plus, we’ve already suggested that the real worst thing Ensign’s ever done was vote for the use of force in Iraq, a mistake with a body count. Here, all that may be dead is Ensign’s nascent presidential ambitions. But, from Ensign’s perspective, we believe that he really does think this is the worst thing he’s ever done, not only because he violating his marriage vows, but because that violation will cost him the chance to get into the White House as anything but a visitor.

“I take full responsibility for my actions.”

Ah, the bold statement of responsibility. This will last for, oh, about two paragraphs. Read on.

“I know that I have deeply hurt and disappointed my wife, Darlene, my children, my family, my friends, my staff and others who believed in me. To all of them, especially my wife, I am deeply sorry. I am truly blessed to have a wife who has forgiven me. We sought counseling last year and have built a stronger marriage — stronger than ever.”

Indeed, Ensign has disappointed many people. Among them not mentioned are the Republicans who put him in a leadership position, only to have him commit the same sin that David Vitter, Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Strom Thurmond, Bob Livingston and Bob Packwood committed before him, causing the rest of the nation to ask, what the fuck is up with conservative Republicans and their penchant for screwing around?

A stronger marriage than ever? Well, we don’t know the Ensign family personally, and it’s certainly possible, but it seems to us that trust once betrayed is very difficult to restore, much less make stronger. But that’s just us.

“I will not mention any names but the woman who I was involved with and her husbands were close friends and both of them worked for me. Our families were close. That closeness put me into situations which led to my inappropriate behavior. We caused deep pain to both families and for that I am sorry.”

Wait, what? You were close and that closeness put you in situations where you committed adultery? So, what, Ensign has no self-control? Just put him in a room with a woman who he’s “close” to and that’s all she wrote? C’mon, Ensign! You’re supposed to believe that humans DIDN’T evolve from animals, remember? It’s actually possible for a man to be in situations where he’s alone with a woman not his wife and NOT have sex, you know, no matter what Billy Crystal said in When Harry Met Sally.

“I am committed to my service in the United States Senate and my work on behalf of the people of Nevada.”

This line, we think, was to explain why he’s not going to quit, the way he urged Bill Clinton to in the wake of his affair with Monica Lewinsky or the way he urged Larry Craig to in the wake of the Minneapolis bathroom incident. In fact, after Craig got caught allegedly soliciting gay sex, Ensign said this: “I wouldn’t put myself, hopefully, in that kind of a position like that but if I was in a position like that, I think that’s what I would do. He’s going to have to answer that for himself… I think the pressure will continue to build.”

It was just a couple months after he said those words that Ensign DID put himself in “a situation like that.” But apparently, he’s NOT going to resign. Hypocritical? Without a doubt. Surprisingly so? Not really.