The horror

Rant mode engaged.

Ok, check this out. Science and tech news bombshell. Today, MSNBC.com reports that they — and by “they” I mean one guy who’s spent the last 15 years of his only life obsessing over something barely peripheral at best to every possibly meaningful thing in the entire universe — finally, FINALLY, figured out how to create “a bubble with a single color that won’t stain when it pops.”

Won’t stain when it pops, people. That’s the marketing hook to freshly invented Zubbles. And if you’re like me, you’re now rolling in your own wildly improbable, pore-secreted Ecstato-Foam at the notion that you’re now free to kick back on your snow-white livingroom loveseat and blow, Blow, BLOW great glistening soap bubbles from a plastic loop (the “handle” of which still feels icky and small on your index finger) with impunity, wholly unconcerned that the Presto Pink (see below) and Blazing Blue varieties you’ve purchased will settle into that expensive upholstery to create the impression you’ve bought it secondhand from a hemophiliac smurf. Finally! The single-colored bubbles you’ve never once felt the need for AND homemaking peace of mind, all in the same little bottle of who the hell cares!

I understand the importance of fun and frivolity and childlike wonderment and “hey whatever does it for you” and “takes all kinds” and “imagine that” just as much as the next incorrigibly cynical CityLife employee, but hey — non-staining colored bubble inventor Tim Kehoe? You’re killing me. What was wrong with bubbles as they were? Were kids not getting enough out of the 200 million bottles sold every year, worldwide? Were they left cold by the ineffably gorgeous, dancing rainbow patterns visible in boring old “clear” bubbles blown for recreational purposes over the last 400 years? When you say:

“It’s a good feeling after 15 years to see colored bubbles become reality. After eight years, you think, ‘What am I doing this for?’ but I am absolutely glad I stuck with it.”

… are you thinking somewhere in the back of your mind, “Will anyone notice that my Presto Pink color [pictured above] looks more like something that would issue from the mouth of a man slammed in the chest with an axe?”

Because it does, Tim. Mouth, chest, axe. Nicely done.