"I will investigate this bullshit immediately!"

Yeah, yeah, Las Vegas tap water is safe by federal standards. Um, hurray. So I’m not drinking a hepatitis smoothie every time I quench my thirst at the tap. Meanwhile, over in California, they have this crazy idea that drinking water should be as clean as reasonably possible, resulting in tougher health and toxicity standards on the stuff that comes out of their faucets.

What’s that you say? You’re exempt from soul-clenching worry about the public water supply punching you in the face with le cancer because you only drink bottled water? Well, you won’t be too excited to read this study out by the Environmental Working Group, which recently tested 10 popular brands of bottled drinking water and found they contained an average of eight contaminants in each brand — one-third of which aren’t even regulated in bottled water. Best-by-which-I-mean-worst of all, our fine union-busting, living wage-hating friend Wal-Mart’s store brand of bottled water had chemical concentrations that exceeded legal limits in California.

And where’s Wal-Mart getting at least some of that tasty beverage to pour into its bottles? The Las Vegas Valley Water District. So, you know that old joke about bottled water companies just putting tap water into fancy bottles with pictures of islands and glaciers and dolphins in sunglasses fanning themselves under palm trees? In this case, it’s true. Also in this case, samples of Wal-Mart’s water were found to be:

polluted with disinfection byproducts called trihalomethanes at levels that exceed the state’s [California's] legal limit for bottled water (CDPR 2008). These byproducts are linked to cancer and reproductive problems and form when disinfectants react with residual pollution in the water. Las Vegas tap water was the source for these bottles, according to Walmart representatives (EWG 2008). [italics your mom's]

In a San Francisco Chronicle story, a Las Vegas water district spokesperson explained it was probably a private water distributor who was selling the stuff to Wal-Mart. Meanwhile, the Environmental Working Group has said it plans to sue Wal-Mart for not warning the public it was peddling water with cancer-causing chemicals in it.

And until, oh, I dunno, the Southern Nevada Water Authority stops vomiting an unending stream of cash on an environmentally disastrous pipeline and instead throws some serious bucks toward improving our water quality, it might be wise to stick to the horchata.

Can you dance with madness? I mean flavor?